4 Subtle Signs of Emotional Unavailability to Look Out For

With an emotionally closed-off partner, however, they may be reluctant to talk about their upbringing, for instance, past breakups, or relationship insecurities, instead fixating on lighter subjects. (Think: TV shows, sports, and work—things that don’t require you to be so raw and exposed.)

3. They withdraw during your moments of vulnerability.

How a person responds when you discuss deeper topics can tell you a lot about their emotional availability…or lack thereof. To be fair, “developing intimacy within relationships takes time,” Lurie points out. “It’s not uncommon to be uncomfortable at first.” But as you get to know each other better, you should ideally notice early healthy signs of engagement and support, like them actively listening. You may even get a response that signals empathy, like, “I really appreciate you sharing that with me. Actually, I know how you feel because….”

On the flip side, signs of emotional unavailability might look like a partner who changes the subject when things get too “serious.” According to Lurie, they may revert back to flirting and jokes to dodge those topics. Or, when you do gently nudge them to open up, they might even get defensive (“Why are you trying to make this about me? This is your issue, not mine”).

4. They’re reluctant to “define” the relationship—or acknowledge long-term potential.

Their actions might resemble those of a committed partner, spending tons of time together, meeting your friends, doing all the things any couple would. But the moment the conversation shifts to “What are we?” (whether it’s hard-launching on social media or a casual mention of the future), they panic.

Even if these next steps don’t seem like a drastic transition to you, the sheer concept of rigid labels can feel like a pressure point to others—one that comes with more expectations, responsibility, and a level of intimacy that can be intimidating for some. And, to be fair, both experts agree there are valid reasons one might hesitate: Maybe they need more time to process a messy breakup, or their personal life at the moment is too chaotic to take on anything serious.

That said, “if you want commitment and you’ve been with that person for a decent amount of time, you’ll certainly have to talk about it at the very least,” Feuerman says. And if they keep dodging the conversation—or offering vague, flaky answers (“I don’t know, let’s just see where it goes”), it might be worth considering whether you’re truly compatible.

What to do about an emotionally unavailable partner

Letting someone in—really in—isn’t going to happen overnight. Like any skill, though, it’s one a person can work on, so long as they’re willing to put in the effort…and you’re willing to be patient. You can’t force a notoriously tight-lipped lover to let their guard down. Expecting that kind of change is mentally draining; not to mention, it’s not your job to do the heavy lifting for them.

What can help, though, is creating a safe, supportive space for honesty, whether that involves helping them reflect on past trust issues, say, or expanding their emotional vocabulary. That way, they can name what’s really going on (“I need more reassurance from you sometimes, but I don’t want to come across as clingy”) instead of shutting down. (For more tips on encouraging your SO to open up, read this.)

It can be terrifying to put your heart out on the line, especially since it comes with the risk of getting hurt. That’s why it may help to remind your partner that being with someone who sees your fears, dreams, and everything in between—and loves you anyway—is what makes vulnerability well worth the risk.

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